No Punches, Just Pointers: Wrestling Refs in Training

No Punches, Just Pointers: Wrestling Refs in Training

I say, it appears that wrestling—once thought to be the preserve of fairs and ruffian tussles—has been given a dash of much-needed refinement, courtesy of none other than the Admiral-Lord Mountevans Committee. This venerable body, known far and wide for its insistence on all things ship-shape and above board, has set out to train the next generation of referees for the noble sport of wrestling. And, dash it all, if they haven’t gone about it in the most marvellous way imaginable!

The setting for this illustrious affair is none other than the charming village of Cavendish, Suffolk, where the Committee has commandeered St Sebastian’s Church Hall for four weeks of Thursday evening instruction. The participants, all between the ages of 21 and 50, and blessed with good health and a preference for a sporting life—or a stint in His Majesty’s service—are eagerly being groomed for their new roles as wrestling adjudicators. And what a lark it promises to be!

As the assembled hopefuls took their seats last Thursday, none other than Sir Solomon Simpson KC, the Chair of the Committee, strode to the front with all the gravitas one would expect of a man who has single-handedly wrangled wrestling into something resembling a gentleman’s pursuit. He cleared his throat, adjusted his monocle, and delivered a speech that will surely be quoted for generations to come.

"Gentlemen," Sir Solomon began, his voice echoing crisply through the rafters of St Sebastian’s, "we find ourselves at the dawn of a new era. Wrestling, which has for too long been left in the hands of fortune-tellers and fairground folk, is now a sport of true distinction. And as referees, you are the bastions of fair play and sportsmanship, the custodians of honour in the ring."

One could hear a pin drop, so rapt was the audience. And rightly so, for this was no ordinary training course. Over the next four weeks, these fortunate souls would be instructed not only in the finer points of grappling and throws, but also in the subtle art of recognising when a chap’s been up to a bit of underhanded business. After all, no one wants to see a fellow winning with an illegal hold or, heaven forbid, a punch to the chin.

And it doesn’t end there. Sir Solomon, in his infinite wisdom, has made sure that the referees-to-be will also be put through their paces physically. “We cannot have our referees gasping for air and fumbling about,” Sir Solomon declared with a twinkle in his eye. “They must be as spry as the wrestlers themselves, ready to jump in at a moment’s notice. After all, there is no room for sluggishness in the gentlemanly art of officiating!” Quite right, too.

It is worth noting that preference has been given to those of a sporting bent, or chaps who have done their bit in military service, what with their natural knack for discipline and fortitude. However, those who possess neither but still exhibit a certain gumption have not been entirely left out in the cold, so to speak.

As Sir Solomon brought his stirring speech to a close, he left the room with one final flourish: “Wrestling is fast becoming a sport to rival cricket and rugby, and you, gentlemen, are the key to ensuring its future as a gentleman’s game.” The room erupted into polite applause, and one could sense the significance of the occasion hanging in the air like the aroma of a well-roasted pheasant.

It is without doubt that the future of wrestling officiating is in safe hands, and I, for one, am eager to witness the grand spectacle of a properly refereed match. By Jove, this is just the sort of thing to give wrestling the polish and respectability it so richly deserves. Stay tuned, dear reader, for more updates from the delightful halls of St Sebastian’s.